Today I am tearful and I don’t know why then I look at the date and smile. My body knows! Exactly eleven years ago today I drove to work in Cardiff then home again later. I felt twitchy so I threw on my running gear and closed the back door behind me. I started on my usual route but half way through a little voice said cut this one short. And I did. Later that night my life changed. You all know the story...
Now the run up to Christmas always leaves me with a tumble of strange emotions. Last Christmas was no different. In June last year I said goodbye to a dear friend Jenny because of breast cancer. Then in December I was forced to say a sudden goodbye to another incredibly special friend Carmel. Needless to say, sending Christmas cards didn’t feature on my to do list.
I am telling you this as it reminds me that Christmas is a time of reflection as much as it is about Christmas Trees and gifts…
Lately frustration has planted itself on my shopping list. Frustration that I never have enough energy to tick off even half of the things on my to do list. Frustration that when I plan to do some writing for my Blog and Book my energy decides otherwise, Frustration that when out to shop a seizure stops me taking another step: I stand like a zombie by the disabled spaces outside Tesco. Hand on a parked car. Mr H is inside ticking off one of our to do’s. I can see the car but my head won’t let me cross the road and get in. I stand there leaning on the stranger’s car. After ten minutes my scrambled egg head starts to clear and I move forwards. One faltering step at a time, to get in our car and wait for my chauffeur.
But I am lucky as my seizures don’t cause me to fall unconscious. I just feel like I will. My plethora of drugs catch me before I fall. It’s a shame the drugs don’t stop me tripping over my own feet, or a door tread, or a stone, or a slightly uneven pavement slab. My knees at the moment look like those of a child who enjoys rough and tumble in the playground.
But now I’m complaining and I don’t like to do that. I’ve had another all clear year regarding my brain tumour and breast cancer so I should be celebrating…
So I will bring my thoughts and black and blue knees back to the subject of Christmas… I am not a particularly religious person, more of a humanist I guess. But this year Mr H and I have been supported by some fabulous friends and also a Vicar. He has offered us a guiding hand at a time when we were both in need.
So as usual I won’t be buying many gifts. I won’t be pounding the shopping Malls because I can’t. I will give family what they need most and my friends my time, support and love. I will donate to our local foodbank, to people who don’t have the basics. I will silently pray in Church on Christmas day. I will be guided by something or someone in the hope that I am doing the right thing with my gift of life…
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust
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