Grey day but the sun is shining

At choir we sing...

...its a greeeey day, grey day and the sun is shining, greeeey day but the suns gonna shine on everyone 

and my spirits ease themselves out of the murky mist they have been in for the last few days...

But as we walk out of choir, my eyes fill with tears when Julie says 

well it's the weekend. The one we dread...

Oh my goodness you get it and I didn't say a word, I exclaim as we pass an understanding hand over each others shoulders

The wave of grief, loss and what might have been, has been building inside my gut for a while. When I stop at the card shop to buy a Mothers day card for my Mum; with love from your daughter, with love from your Son glare back at me. Taunt me. 

I hate myself for dreading it.  I still have a Mum but I walked around yesterday with tears dripping off my nose and sniffed my way home on the bus I tell her

But its' pinkness permeates everything, flower shops are packed with flowers. In Tesco banners and bouquets announce the day. I want to scream what if I am not a Mum what about me. What if. What if. What if...

Plans are being made, lunches booked, I book one too for my Mum knowing that no one will ever need to book one for me...

Our conversation runs freely once the tap of emotion has been turned on. Maybe we should go abroad for a week we giggle, somewhere where Mothers day is not celebrated. 

I feel lighter now we are talking about it I say to Julie. We keep up the cover to make it easy for others but inside we are a turmoil of thoughts, sadness, longing  Julie adds through tears

...on our way back from taking my Mum out on Sunday I breathe a sigh of relief as I say to Mr H well thank goodness its Monday tomorrow. A new week...

A flower bloomed, already wilting, beginning its life with an early ending

R.J. Gonzales