Thursday, February 27, 2014

I want to smash windows...

I want to smash windows. 

Throw plates at the wall...


Two simple words are crushing the air out of me. 


Breast Cancer



It is early stage cancer. non invasive; well it might have invaded at micro level but we won't know until after surgery. We need to take a couple of lymph nodes too...say the Surgeon and Breast Care Nurse with gentle smiles...watching how I, how we, deal with the news.

I ring to tell friends then end the call before they have time to react. I can't cope with their tears. I snap at the words it will be all right, You are strong, keep positive... I stop telling people.

I never asked why me after the brain tumour and am fighting the urge now. I have done nothing wrong. I am not being punished. I have cared for people all of my life but I am not being punished. It's biology. Science...

But I have lost so much already. I don't want to lose any more of me...

Mr H is consumed by why my Dawn

Fear invades in the middle of the night when neither of us can sleep. By day I turn page after page of every booklet I have been given. Search medical sites for clinical papers: rates of spread, outcomes after mastectomy versus wide excision and radiotherapy... 

I am exhausted. Mr H is heartbroken.


But there is always joy in the garden