Thursday, February 12, 2015

Falling off my tight rope

I am trying to float on a stress free cloud. Hold my cortisol levels in check. To allow my immune system to do its hard healing work. And help stop the cancer coming back...

I am actually walking a tight rope. If I sway to the right I am in calm safety. Move to the left and I drop intro the depths of depressing stress. In one second!

A good nights sleep, an afternoon hour on the settee and reading a good book all keep me on the rope. Breathing into meditation, singing my soul out and having the energy to walk in the sunshine help me to the sway to the right.

But when I discover that my annual brain tumour MRI scan has not been booked as promised when I chased it, as requested by the department last summer. And a follow up appointment has not been scheduled for two of my Consultant reviews. I wobble to the left.. I keep myself upright by making a phone call. Then plummet into trembling, hang flapping tears when I am told the person who can help me is off for the next three days...

I have to send several emails and pick up the phone a few times to stop the trembling tears. But the fall has damaged my head, heart and mind. Calm is out of my reach. My heart beats too fast. My body is filled with Anger induced Cortisol. I am at risk of getting worse. Dropping into a black hole. My cancer coming back.

I once wrote that It only takes a pin to burst my bubble but nowadays my bubble is already burst and all I can do is try and stay on the tightrope. Fractured Hospital systems have caused me to fall...

At the moment I don't have the power or energy to get back on the rope so for a while I have to stay at the bottom and hope rest will help me get back on my feet.

The next day,...

Following my email, the kind and efficient senior nurse and one of the medical secretary's got my scan appointment booked for next week. And booked me a date for one of my consultant review appointments. Lesson is always ask for help but I know sometimes we don't know who to ask....