Sunday, September 14, 2014

I always said I would never have a tattoo...

... now I have four. The tattooist chose the design, not me. They are as black as thunder clouds and signify a stormy year full of rainy tears and thunder bolts of shock.

The oncologist said this part of my treatment will be a breeze compared to the chemotherapy but I am as scared as a puppy at it's first sight of lightening. Like hail stones, unanswered questions hit my brain; will my new breast shrink, will my breast hurt as the treatment progresses, will my skin burn...

Reassurances bounce off me rather than sink in to calm the storm, tissue contraction is rare, blistering of the skin only happens rarely, you may experience a bit of soreness as the radiotherapy progresses they tell me. 

The trouble is the word rare makes me tremble...

Brain tumours are rare affecting approximately 1 in 38,000;
A post operative brain abscess after brain tumour surgery is rare (less than a 1% apparently); 
Breast cancer AND an unrelated brain tumour is incredibly rare, never heard of it happening both my neurosurgeon and oncologist told me;
The safety device used to keep my PICC line in (to administer my chemo) squashed the line causing it to crack and leak and  had to be replaced, this has only happened once before in all the time we have used it, the PICC line specialists inform me; 
My second breast operation the day after my breast surgery when a haematoma complication arose is not so rare -1-6% chance in figures I can find, but I scored a home goal with that too...

I won't actually be there during my Radiotherapy!  I will use Imagery, a technique I learnt through my brain tumour journey and recently at The Penny Brohn Cancer Centre. I will go to the sea in my head and forget what is happening while I am first prodded and touched and while the machine takes over to give me my zaps...

The four tattoos...
They are pin prick spots put onto my skin after the radiotherapy planning CT scan; between my breasts, above my affected breast and on both sides of my body-to ensure they zap me in the right place each time. I only felt a scratch when they were done. 



Never say never because limits, 
like fears are often an illusion